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CHAOS
garnetpixie
Here I am, different. Different. Different. I don't have a job. I had to get rid of it. I was loosing sleep. Loosing hair. Loosing myself. Stress was killing me. I couldn't eat. So, no job. I have been going round and round with my social worker/pharmacy/medical billing/medi-cal/social worker/pharmacy just to get the usual every day stuff to be normal every day stuff. Messages, phone calls, messages, phone calls, to find out what I can tell my kid about seeing his dad. "Next week," then he asks, "Three days? Or tomorrow?" and I have to tell him a week is seven days. Chores, chores, chores. We started "chores before Game Time" for my kiddo. It's going okay, but he needs a lot of direction. I can't tell him "pick up toys out of the livingroom floor" without him asking if it's done every 2 minutes. He doesn't see the little legos next to the couch, or the game disks all loose on the top of the Wii instead of in the case where they belong. I'm spread thin all over. Working. Working. Working. I've been working on Crochet Mario themed projects. Necklaces. Sewing. Knitting. Baby booties. Baby socks. Baby sweaters. Yarn, and yarn, and thread. Fabric, in yards and yards and an extremely sensitive tension on my sewing machine. Spread so thin. And now... Now. Now. Now my mouth hurts. So bad I can't concentrate. My brain is working on shutting down. Be back in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No, wait... Give me a few more minutes... it gets to the point where I'm not even here. I'm somewhere where the pain was less. Has it been half an hour? Good, then the mouthwash effects have worn off. I can eat... but ow, I don't want to. Mmm... iced tea, but ow, it's COLD! Nothing helps. No swelling. No infection. No antibiotics. It WON'T get better. Not until I see a dentist... But I don't have a job. So, the cycle goes on. Around and around, like the laundry I haven't done. Because I can't. My teeth hurt again. And it's been another 2 hours of coping with the pain. Cope, cope, cope. I am spread too thin. I can hear the twang, like a guitar string, or a rubberband that has been stretched over one of those boards full of nails. Careful, I might just snap if you stretch me out too much. Jump back and wack you in the hand. STOP PULLING. Then, that smart kid takes the board. Takes me and puts me two nails in, where I won't snap. Where I have some give. I'm not that guitar string tight. I have some room. In that busy room full of 8-9 year old children that one smart kid saved me. Maybe even took me off and put me in his pocket. Save me for later. Take me home. Maybe he will put me in that safe spot in his shoe box under his bed, with a rubber ball and that dried out frog he found in the summer sun a few months ago. Preserved. Saved. Favorite things. Loved.

All the chaos in my head. In my life. It's a little too much sometimes. But... these last few days it's not so bad. Ben is amazing. The best thing I have ever found. Loved. We both feel L-O-V-E-D. All the time. A smoke before bed and a promise to be taken care of. How could I find anyone better? Someone who just gets me. Someone who has been there for me in every way. Every way I can imagine. He loves my wonderment. He loves my creepiness. He loves all my chaos. <3 So much though that he promised the best promise ever. He asked me to marry him. How could I refuse? <3 YES X A Billion! <3

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