It's been too long.
I wanted to post so many things. I wanted to write, just for the sake of writing. I'm feeling unsuccessful lately. I have that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I can't do these things I want to do. I want to write. You aren't very good at that! I want to make and sell Spa products, like lip balm, bath salts, lotion bars and hand made soap. You never sell enough of what you already have listed! That negative, nagging voice just keeps going. How do you turn it off?! How do I make it stop?! Is it really just me? Is it me just doubting myself? I have a long history of depression. That dark place a mind can wonder off to... And never come back. I usually come back, but if you have been reading my blog posts over the years then you know what I have been dealing with for over 2 years now. Lack of income, infertility, arguments and disagreements with my mom... The usual events in the average 30 year old's life. Yep. WAIT! I just said 30 year old! Yes, I am turning 30 in a month and 6 days. I could list all the things I don't have but want out of 30 years of life... But I really don't want to. It would turn into 2 hours of me typing and sobbing. Instead I will make a list of all the things my household needs to keep my family happy, healthy and well fed! So, basically not a Christmas list , but a "some day when I have a million dollars" kind of list.

-A loft style bed for my son. He asked for a bunk bed, but he doesn't have a sibling to share a bunk bed with yet.

-A new mattress for me and my husband. My back hurts, my hip hurts and I can't always sleep through the night. Our mattress is the culprit. A nice bed fine with a headboard wouldn't hurt either. Also, a new bedding set would be great too.

-A new set of non-stick frying pans. Our current set might even be older than my son, we inherited them from the friend my husband was subletting from. I can't even make fried potatoes anymore, everything sticks to the pans! Actually, a nice canning pot would be great... Maybe even a set of stock pots too.

-A real Blendtech blender. The Ninja my mom got me for Christmas a few years ago is way too hard to clean and I accidentally tore up the inside of the plastic pitcher which makes it even harder to clean.

-Lego storage solution. What we have going on now is not working.

-New rain boots for all of us. Also, my kiddo needs new every day shoes. His current two pairs are most too small AND pretty tore up.

-Gabe really wanted to continue Teakwando but we couldn't afford the discounted rate. $75 registration fee and $125 every month. We can barely keep us fed, I just couldn't pay for it after his GATE class was over.

-More drive to continue my crafting blog. I didn't stop crafting but I did stop blogging. I don't always remember to take nice top quality photos with my husband'a DSLR camera. I don't always have something to write about either. "I knitted a hat, then I wrapped it and sent it to my father-in-law. The End!" Doesn't make a great blog post, does it?

-Rain coats and heavy winter coats for all of us. I have a nice wool pea coat, but it needs a trip to the dry cleaners. Yesterday my son asked if he could get a "heavy coat" since winter is coming. I wish I could get him a nice thick coat. For now he gets the whole "tee-shirt, long sleeve shirt, sweater, hoodie" style layering. If his legs are cold I just have him put pajama pants on under his pants. It only gets down to 30 degrees during the day during the winter and it doesn't snow here.

-Some new kitchen utensils would be great. Not split wooden spoons, spatula/flipper that isn't partially melted, another pair of tongs. It's not a lot of stuff, but it's hard to find sturdy ones.

-A car. We have been without one for almost two years. I miss grocery shopping in around an hour, not 3-4 hours with a suitcase on the bus. I miss shopping worry-free of bus schedules and getting home in time to pick up my kid after school. I think two years without proves that we don't need it but I miss the convince.

-A computer for my son. I don't mean he gets an iPad, I mean he gets a Raspberry Pi of his own to learn coding and build his own games.

-To go with the last one, my kid would need a desk and desk chair. Maybe even as part of his loft bed. I found a great loft bed/desk combo online, but it's well over $200 before shipping. I would rather pay more for a higher quality bed/desk than settle on a cheap one that causes injury. They just don't make beds as sturdy as they use to.

I'm sure there are more things to add to that list, but I have typed an awful lot and it's bed time. Hopefully it won't be a year before my next post.

How long?
Every person on the planet has their problems. Mental illness. Cancer. Finances. Parents. Children. Pets. Pollution. Small things, big things, tall things. Short things. Everyone has issues. I'm very aware of that. I can't change that. I can't help people with their problems. I don't expect people to help me. You might be able to understand how hard it is for me to take part in a support group. Or even just in expressing my feelings. I internalize a lot. The last few days I have been losing the battle. I got married. Being a wife has been great. We get along like best friends. We want a fmaily... and there it is. We have been trying to add to our little family. INFERTILITY. A word I never thought would make me want to stay in bed. These last few months have been hard. I found out I wasn't ovulating because of my Thyroid. Hypothyroidism. My body isn't making the correct hormones. I am broken. I wasn't broken before. It's a slow process to fix my body. An every day medication, blood tests every 6 weeks and an irregular cycle for months kind of slow fix. So, yesterday I cried the whole time in the shower. I expected my period two weeks ago. Home test was negative. I'm due for a blood test, but I'm finding it hard to call. I'm dealing with the overwhelming, all-consuming kind of depression. I don't like hypodermic needles. I don't like losing my blood, it's kind of important. How do other women get through this? How do other women talk to women who have gone through this before? It's hard to see the end result when so many things keep coming at you, head on, and you feel like the deer in the head-lights. Do I run off or stand still and hope for the best? I want to keep going, but it's sitting in the back of my mind that I should just give up. I think it's my subconcious' way of telling me to relax and be patient. I don't want to be patient, it's been over a year. I've been stressing out and trying to fix the problem for over a year, on top of taking care of my son, and volunteering at his school.

My favorite games just seem to pass time, I barely enjoy them. All I want is comfort food. I seem to sigh a lot. How long does it take to make a baby?! Longer than I want it to take. Most of the time I just want to cry. Anyone who knew me 10-15 years ago knows that I don't like crying. This is hard, and no one I know is going through anything near what this is like. It's pretty strange feeling so alone in a house so full of love and support. Hopefully I won't feel this way for long.

My Christmas List
We aren't really religious. We don't really celebrate "Christmas" but we do like exchanging gifts. I view it as a time to make a list of things you would use IF you had them to use. I like gifts like clothes, yarn, gift cards, funny socks, make-up, kitchen tools/appliances/utensils. I love when people give my son clothes and shoes, it means I don't have to try to come up with the money for them throughout the year. I'm pretty much over Legos. My son LOVES them, but we have 50,000 Lego pieces getting stepped on all the time. They are EVERYWHERE. In my bed, in the closet, in my purse, under the couch, IN the couch, in the tub, in the kitchen, in my shoes, in laundry... And it's always the tiniest pieces. The one dot pieces. The vacuum's favorite treats. So, I am not letting him put Lego sets on his Christmas list this year.

But this post isn't about my son's "Christmas" or his wish list. This is about what I want this year.

1. I want my son to spend the holidays with us this year. WE are his family, and having been married just ONE year it would be nice to have some family bonding time. We can't build our own traditions if the whole family isn't home.

2. A juicer. I want a juicer. Not the "spining citrus" juicer. The kind of juicer you put a cut up apple into and all you get is juice out the front and pulp out the back. I want to make juice and freeze it and make smoothies.

3. Submersion blender. I LOVE soup. It tastes best when you make it home made. The easiest way to make a "creamed" soup is with a submersion bleander. I don't want the cheap kind either. I want a Kitchenaid stainless steel kind. No part that submerges can be plastic.

4. Yarn. Wool yarn. Silk yarn. Cotton yarn. Worsted weight. Fingering weight. Bulky. In a RAINBOW of colors.

5. Gift cards. I MISS shopping. I don't have a lot of money to shop with. I can't find a job. I can't make stuff fast enough to sell online. I can't just go get a new shirt because I feel like it, or because I need it. I can't go get a pair of shoes because my old ones broke. I can't even just go to the grocery store when I need a few things.

6. A real food processor. The kind that you can shread a WHOLE block of cheese in like 5 seconds, or slice a whole cucumber in 3 seconds. The kind with razor sharp attatchments. Like the one my grandmother had when I was a little kid. Roboko or something. I can't remember the raised letters fromt he base, but I sure remember the cut on my finger when I took it out for her.

7. A spring form pan. I have miniture set, but not a big one. I can't make a delicious cheesecake!

8. New pots and pans. I want pink or purple non-stick pans. A nice stock pot would be awesome too. The tall shiney kind. I have a wide one, but I like the tall shiney kind.

9. A vacuum cleaner with a hose. We have a nice old one with no hose. It cleans the floor, but not the corners, the spider webs, the spills or the dust.

10. Bicycle accessories. I want a cargo rack on the back, and maybe some fenders.

11. An industral type blender. The kind they use at Juice Shack or Surf Shack.

12. A new sun hat. The one I have is pretty faded and worn. I'm afraid it won't last much longer.

13. All the newer seasons of Futurama. Everything after Seaosn 4.

14. Everything after season 2 of MASH

15. All the Resident Evil movies. I only have the latest one.

16. Book shelves. I need like 3 of them.

17. A new night stand. We need a second one. I don't even care that they don't match.

18. A spilplat that will fit on my cookie sheets.

19. A new bed set. 100% cotton. 200-300 thread count. Red. Purple. Just not green.

20. A new laptop. Mine is just a little too old. It can't run newer games.

21. A cheese making kit. It would be fun.

22. BIG pots for a back patio garden. I want to grow tomatoes, herbs, flowers, beans and lettuce. I would be happy with 5 gallon buckets.

And most likely more stuff. I can only remember these things right now. I know I won't even get half of these. I would be happy with just one, any one. I am always greatful for what I get every Winter, even if I wasn't always growing up. I love hand made stuff. I still have most of the stuff people have made for me. Necklaces, bat stained glass sculptures, braceltes, earrings, cards... I may not have it all on display, but it's still around.

This year will be our year to start our small family traditions. Like skipping the "Santa" thing, skipping the "CHristmas morning" thing and making Jewish foods. I think we will try a lot of different things before we find what fits for us. It's a long fun road and we may never get there, but we will enjoy the journey.

Just about 2 weeks ago we moved all our big furniture into a new apartment. The following week we (just the two of us) worked on walking, car packing and loading/unloading the rest of our stuff. A week ago we got the last of our stuff out of the old place and into the new. Today, out of every day the last week, I feel a little over whelmed. 15-20 boxes not unpacked. 5 closets half full of boxes/full of stuff. 2 bedrooms cluttered with clothes/books/toys/boxes. One livingroom with 15 boxes stacked in front of the sliding glass door. One kitchen with no more counter top space to put things, and only one empty shelf in the pantry-the highest shelf.

I can't handle the clutter. I look at it then leave the room. Too many light brown walls of cardboard. The closet is for clothes, blankets, pillows and board games. Not walls of cardboard. At least the doors can close. But... I haven't put all my clothes away yet. Two bags of hanging clothes, two bags of drawer clothes and two bags of mystery clothes. The, "Why did I put these in this bag?" kind of mystery. It's hard to want to put things away, in the drawer when you know you will just have to let it all sit in a laundry basket for two weeks, then take it to the laundromat, pay $15-20 for 3 loads then stand around waiting for it to dry/folding it/avoiding getting hit in the leg by the brats pushing each other in laundry carts races. Seriously, who lets their kids do that?! Mine sat on a counter laying with legos the whole time!

Clutter, clutter, clutter. We lost a lot of places we hid the clutter. No under the stairs. No extra table in the corner that doesn't belong to us. No extra shelving up the wall in the closet. We do have a storage area above the car in the car port, but it's not leak-proof. More rearranging, resituating, repacking so that holiday decorations can be put in a plastic tub that seals. More deciding what we don't need on hand all the time. And then there's the stack of boxes full of toys Gabe doesn't play with, blankets he doesn't use and clothes he out grew, but I want to save. His future sibilings could benefit from the 3 boxes of jackets, nice pants and fun tee-shirts. Also, in the past 7 years I have spent $3,000-$5,000 on just clothes/shoes for my son. If I keep just $1,000 worth that's a lot saved for the next kid. If I can find the space.

That's what it is. I am not comfortable in this space yet. I don't always do "change" so well. There's always adjusting. That period of time you need to get things the way you want it. Need it. I NEED a bath, long, hot and alone. Some time to plan/reflect/relax. There's always something that comes up. Volunteering at school. Going to the grocery store. Good company. Sleep. Always something.

Slowly chipping away at the boxes is really all I can do. The inbetween stuff- my kid's birthday, having a huge dramatic fight with my mom, falling asleep before getting a chance to have sex (shut-it, we're all adults here!), the attitude from the 7-year-old, the losing of the food stamps after Feb. 28th, the pets needing attention, the planning of meals.... All the inbetween stuff isn't going to go away, and let's face it, sometimes you just need a break. The boxes are not going anywhere. Everything else can just wait until I get to it. If I'm still mad at my mom, then she can just wait. If I don't have pet bedding yet, then they bunny will just have to deal for a few more days. Food, sex, attitude... I'm on break. Come back later.

Dear Body:
What the fuck? I mean... I have regular cycles for years and years then... irregularity. How fun. I can't count on every 28 days, or every 21 days. I stop taking birth control and now I have 3-7 weeks between periods. Is it misscarriages? Is it an ovarian cyst? Am I dying of cancer?! It's scary not knowing. It's a rollercoaster ride I don't want to ride. It's been 7 weeks and 4 days since I had a period. Light cramping, no bleeding or spotting, sore boobies, headaches, that pukie feeling... Until today. Today spotting can be added to all of the other stuff. I called and set up an appointment with my lady-parts-medical-professional last week. I see a midwife, doctors are icky. Even if I have wicked crazy heavy flow I am still going to see my midwife this week. I knida want to know why I went from a 21 day cycle to going 4 weeks, 3 weeks, 5 weeks and now 7 1/2 weeks(if this isn't just spotting) between periods. Negative home tests and more than 28 days between periods seems suspicious to me. I just want to know what's going on. The scariest thing is not knowing what's going on inside your body.

So I start this new year full of anxiety, frightened but not alone. Doesn't matter if it's some life-ending-illness, I have someone by my side to fight through it. Yeah, I know, that's a little negative, but I'd rather expect the worst and be over-joyed by the best. It's way more devastating when you expect the best and get the worst.

Dear Occupy
I have talked to a few people who feel the same way about this "Occupy Wall Street" protest happening right now. I don't have a whole lot to say about it that any supporter of the cause would listen to, or even consider. I'm not stupid, I try to stay away from politics, and I feel very distant from what exactly is going on. What I have to say is not from the stand point of someone who has a job and looks down on the unemployed, or from the perspective of someone ill informed. I know what I am talking about, and no one has to agree, just read it.

Dear Occupy:

Who's looking after your children? Were they late to school this morning? Every morning this week? And last week? Did they get to bed on time? Who is feeding your dog? Your hampster? Who is making your son's poster for "Star Student Week" this weekend? Where were you when your mother called to tell you your father is in the hospital, and she needs you? Were you on a grassy lawn, with other like-minded individuals? Or was it a sidewalk in a busy city? Right outside a small market, maybe one that gets a lot of local business, from families who live near by? A store that is losing money from the regular customers who are afraid of going through that part of town to get that gallon of milk after picking up their kids from school. Maybe you were holding a cleverly worded sign, one that I have seen on Tumblr, or Facebook? Was it a different sign you were holding when your friend used his keys to scratch a CEO's car as it drove near by? Did he mistake that car for the boy who works in the mail room's car? What about the police officers working 30 hour shifts to make sure no riots break out, or keeping an eye on the crowd to make sure no children get trampled in the even of a rush of bodies? Don't you think his wife and kids miss him, don't you think they are worried that he might miss the school play? Maybe he's missing out on his sick child's last few days, since his child has been in and out of the hospital? Have any one of you stopped and thought about what is going on? Not one single interview, news article, blog post, FB status, or Tumblr post that I have seen has had a clear message. What exactly are you fighting for? What is the cause? Who is your leader? I'm not saying I have all the answers, or that any one person does. I too am the 99% with the least amount of wealth. But I don't need much to be happy, and neither should you. My child is feed, asleep, clean and getting up every morning for school. Even if *I* sleep in, he still gets to school on time. I'm in his class room an hour a week, sometimes longer. I'm making copies, cutting circles of paper, gluing, stapling and organizing holiday parties, so that my child's teacher can focus on educating. I'm walking children to after school care so her parents can know she is safe until they get off work. I'm keeping an eye on a girl who has trouble focusing on getting to the bus, giving her reminders to get to the bus in time so she isn't left behind. I am doing something, even if I can't find stable work. I am a member of my community. I am making a difference. I'm not standing outside a building holding a sign, while my parents get my child ready for school in the morning. I refuse to stand around and do literally nothing while people around me need support. I knit socks that turn out too small, I don't just toss them! Never! I ask around, little brothers and sisters of Gabe's class mates. Donations to The Women's Health and Birth Center, for a craft fair. Nothing needs to be wasted.

So, Occupy protesters, I don't disagree with your cause, I really don't, but don't you have somehting important to be doing? Don't have a job? VOLUNTEER! Pleanty of organizations need help. Looks great on a resume when you can say "I was working for them as a volunteer" instead of "I couldn't find work" and it helps your local community. You want things to change? Get up, do something! Be a member of your community. Make a difference in a child's life. Walk dogs. Babysit. Feed baby and injured birds. Just get up and be a community leader. 

We all have them.
With sites like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, etc, we can share them. A lot.
Not everyone agrees.
Not everyone can agree to disagree.

MY personal blog. My posts on MY page, are just that MY POSTS. It's how I feel. It's what I think. You don't have to agree with it. If I don't name a name but what to shout and yell that I don't want you to try and contact me, no harm. Not eveyone can be "good" all the time. And you know what? MY MORELS AND VALUES ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOURS! I'm not going to forgive if I feel like I don't have to. I'm not going to back down when I AM ENTITLED TO EXPRESS MY OPINION AND BACK IT UP WITH FACTS! If you can't handle that sort of debateful conversation, don't start one up. Don't agree with my opinion? Express it, sure, but I"M NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND! And you can't make me feel bad for wanting to express myself. I try not to tell someone they are stupid for believing in something, even if they are misinformed. I will show them a link to an article that supports my opinion, then if that's not convincing I might agree to disagree. A disagreement doesn't have to end a friendship. But, you know what? It does. Some people don't know when to back down. I've missed out on the chance to get to know a lot of people because they don't like one, maybe two, of my opinions. That hasn't deffered me from getting to know some people I want to get to know. That's not fair! I'm worth getting to know. I'm opinionated. I'm sarcastic. I'm mean. But I'm worth getting to know. I can't help but remember being like 6-years-old and my mom, three times taller than me, towering over me in a firm voice saying, "Life isn't fair." And it isn't fair. It's not fair that I have cut people out of my life, and now my sister is pleding with me to change my ways. That my opinions offend her. That I'm doing something wrong. Fuck all of it. I'll stand by my sister's decisions. Like getting married. Going to school. I mean, I was the first person she called during an emotional break down... But now I'm not being supportive becuase I have my opinion and I want to vent and bitch and yell at the top of my lungs about a frustrating situation?! I didn't type out anyone's name. I didn't post it on her wall. I didn't even imply that I was involving her in the conversation. But it offends her that I don't want to talk to someone who made me cry for two days and didn't talk to ANY of us for years? I'm just suppose to undo the 5 years of work I put into surrounding myslef with the few people I can actually trust and feel comfortable with, just because I have nothing nice to say to a phantom that haunts my past? I don't have anything nice to say to that person, so I told her that I don't have anything nice to say, and would rather not say anything at all. I'm trying to be polite as possible, when in my head I'm making a list of all the terrible things I want to yell at this girl. All the heart ache not only inflicted on me, but on my sister too. All the doubt and trust issues I have fought with for the past 5 years. It chases after me. I go weeks without thinking about, then there it is, tossed in my face. Hitting me in the back of my head. Sliding off my face and into my bra. It pops up in dreams, messages on Facebook, and in sharing a life's worth of history with my fiance. So, life isn't fair. I have big girl panties. But you know... Now I don't want to exist. I just want to curl up in bed and wallow in my failures. Life is just one huge crash of a down after a tiny, unnoticable up. Over and over. But we push on, hoping that one big up will plateau and we won't fall back down again. Maybe I just need to make new friends? I don't know, but I know that I'm not wrong here. I get to feel the way I feel, and everyone who tells me that is wrong can suck it.

Sleeping, writing, crochet and Kindergarten!
I haven't written much of anything lately. It's not that I don't want to... I've just been busy. Gabe is in Kindergarten. He comes home and wants to eat, eat, eat, until dinner. Then he's too tired to eat dinner. Asleep at 8:30 pm awake at 7 am. He really needs that much sleep?! Two years ago he would go to sleep at 9:30 pm and be WIDE awake at 5 am. I miss how adorable he was when I cut his hair, and he wanted to dig around in a planter box with a bumble bee shovel. I miss walks to the park right down the street. I miss when life moved slow and all I looked forward to was tomorrow. Now it's busy. Like a jet. Things move by too fast. I don't take many pictures of my child or his accomplishments. I'm not very sentimental with pictures. I mean... It's all digital. And one day everything will be dust anyway. We can't live the way we have been living without sucking our resources dry. Why take a picture every day after school?! What point is there in remembering how big my child's hands were when he was 5 years old? I like that I have a phone and I can send pictures to my mom, or my sister, to make up for time not spent together. They get a photo diary of Gabe. Sometimes. When I'm not super busy. Like the picture from his Back-to-school night I haven't sent to my mom yet.

Speaking of busy... I have been crochetting a lot. Like my hand hurts when I'm done. I made 80 light periwinkle blue  miniture granny squares in two weeks. Now I need to work on getting it to 200 in two weeks! Seriously though, I have been working hard at getting my Etsy populated with items to sell. I added two new ones a few days ago. I still have one to get done and take pictures of before I can list it. Basic baby layette. Sweater, booties, bonnet and sockies. I have one made and sent to a friend (Who is having/just had her baby last night/this morning!) and two more for a cousin who just had a baby and his sister who has one on the way. I know the baby born on the 2nd is a girl, and the baby being born right now/last night is a girl. One mystery baby. I'm making everything yellow for that baby. Nice and neutral. At this moment there are 30 red squares right next to me. I grabbed the wrong project bag. I keep a skien, hook and if needed a pattern in ziplock bags for projects. Easier to grab a bag and have a seat to work then to dig through a hook holder, box of yarn and pattern books (or hand written pages). I grabbed the red yarn instead of the pink. I blame my lack of sleep.

Sleep... sleep... sleep. Where did you get off to? Am I anxious lately? Are my dreams disturbing and I cna't remember them? Why can't I sleep? I use to flop in bed, pretty much already asleep, when I was working 60-90 hours pay periods. I worked 13 hours New Years Day, after working 12 hours New Years Eve. That was one of 3 times I worked like that, but I covered a lot of extra hours. Extra hours. Extra time in a place I hate. Extra time covering everyone else's asses. Extra time away from my Gabie. So... Why can't I sleep? I sleep for a little while then toss and turn the rest of the night until right before my alarm goes off. Time to get up and get Gabe ready to walk to school. I walk him to school and then I walk back home alone. About 2 City blocks. We cross 5 streets and sing "Five Little Monkies Jumping on the bed" while we walk. Hugs, kisses and, "I will pick you up after school," then I'm off, walking alone. I si ton the bed and crochet while Ben does his work stuffs. I don't know a whole lot about it, but we usually eat lunch together at the very least. Sometimes I use headphones and listen to music or watch shows on my laptop while I crochet. Then it's time to walk back over to pick Gabe up from school. Walk. Walk. Walk. Wednesday I walked to his school then back home 3 times. That's close to 1 1/2 miles. Why can't I sleep?! Last night I woke up and rolled over when I heard the Tums jar. It was loud. Ben wasn't laying down. I rubbed his spine a bit and he offered me a Tums. I don't remember after that. Then I was awake again an hour or so later. Check the time on my phone. Lay on my pillow, blanket curled under my feet to keep warm. The sliding glass door is open and the screen shut. It wasn't cold when I got up to pee. I only got up once to pee. I woke up at least 5 times. Instead of getting 6 hours of sleep like my phone told me I would when I made sure the alarm was set, I got about 4 hours of sleep. Why can't I sleep? I don't eat or drink before bed. I find it hard not to fall asleep in the car, or while waiting for somethign to load on my computer. It's not fair that my 5-year-old gets 11 hours sleep when I can barely even get enough sleep to function.

I miss writing. With all the crochet projects, helping where I can with my sister's Wedding, Gabe, Gabe's school and whatever else is going on I can't find the time. Even if I could find the time, what would I write about?!

Here I am, different. Different. Different. I don't have a job. I had to get rid of it. I was loosing sleep. Loosing hair. Loosing myself. Stress was killing me. I couldn't eat. So, no job. I have been going round and round with my social worker/pharmacy/medical billing/medi-cal/social worker/pharmacy just to get the usual every day stuff to be normal every day stuff. Messages, phone calls, messages, phone calls, to find out what I can tell my kid about seeing his dad. "Next week," then he asks, "Three days? Or tomorrow?" and I have to tell him a week is seven days. Chores, chores, chores. We started "chores before Game Time" for my kiddo. It's going okay, but he needs a lot of direction. I can't tell him "pick up toys out of the livingroom floor" without him asking if it's done every 2 minutes. He doesn't see the little legos next to the couch, or the game disks all loose on the top of the Wii instead of in the case where they belong. I'm spread thin all over. Working. Working. Working. I've been working on Crochet Mario themed projects. Necklaces. Sewing. Knitting. Baby booties. Baby socks. Baby sweaters. Yarn, and yarn, and thread. Fabric, in yards and yards and an extremely sensitive tension on my sewing machine. Spread so thin. And now... Now. Now. Now my mouth hurts. So bad I can't concentrate. My brain is working on shutting down. Be back in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No, wait... Give me a few more minutes... it gets to the point where I'm not even here. I'm somewhere where the pain was less. Has it been half an hour? Good, then the mouthwash effects have worn off. I can eat... but ow, I don't want to. Mmm... iced tea, but ow, it's COLD! Nothing helps. No swelling. No infection. No antibiotics. It WON'T get better. Not until I see a dentist... But I don't have a job. So, the cycle goes on. Around and around, like the laundry I haven't done. Because I can't. My teeth hurt again. And it's been another 2 hours of coping with the pain. Cope, cope, cope. I am spread too thin. I can hear the twang, like a guitar string, or a rubberband that has been stretched over one of those boards full of nails. Careful, I might just snap if you stretch me out too much. Jump back and wack you in the hand. STOP PULLING. Then, that smart kid takes the board. Takes me and puts me two nails in, where I won't snap. Where I have some give. I'm not that guitar string tight. I have some room. In that busy room full of 8-9 year old children that one smart kid saved me. Maybe even took me off and put me in his pocket. Save me for later. Take me home. Maybe he will put me in that safe spot in his shoe box under his bed, with a rubber ball and that dried out frog he found in the summer sun a few months ago. Preserved. Saved. Favorite things. Loved.

All the chaos in my head. In my life. It's a little too much sometimes. But... these last few days it's not so bad. Ben is amazing. The best thing I have ever found. Loved. We both feel L-O-V-E-D. All the time. A smoke before bed and a promise to be taken care of. How could I find anyone better? Someone who just gets me. Someone who has been there for me in every way. Every way I can imagine. He loves my wonderment. He loves my creepiness. He loves all my chaos. <3 So much though that he promised the best promise ever. He asked me to marry him. How could I refuse? <3 YES X A Billion! <3


So, this is day 4 that one of us has gotten up early to meet the construction workers for a fireplace removal... And they don't show up when they say they will. They told us 10 am on Friday. I got up at 9:10 and took a shower... here it is 11 and no word, no knock nothing. I saw them outside... even heard them next door. We are both kind of pissed at this point... they have made appointments with us 4 times and not shown up. I'm very annoyed. I mean... pms has me annoyed with just about everything... But today I have to get my kiddo ready for a weekend trip, so I have to pack 4 days worth of clothes in a bag about the size for over night, fit a weekend's worth of toys in a bag the same size as the other bag then lug it all on the bus, along with the kiddo. I mean it's a short bus trip, not like we are meeting anyone in SF, but it's just a lot of work. I kind of guessed the construction workers would end up not showing up. Also, some shit going down on Tumblr kind of annoyed me. Someone blocked me because I disagreed with them about pansexuality. A made up term used to describe the sexual prefrence of someone who loves anyone/everyone whether or not they are male or female, or both. Um... sorry, but even people born with both a vagina and a penis have a dominate gender. Most of them have the brain chemistry of one gender or the other, not both at once. And this whole "gender identity" thing has gone a little far. You either are a boy or a girl, and you either like boys, girls or both. There it is in black and white. There it is in simple-not-complicated-by-scientific-terms-not-everyone-understands terms. So I am very annoyed that even though I fully support the LGBT community, and happen to be a bi sexual girl, some Tumblr user gets upset that I don't believe in pansexaulity and decideds that since she can't cange my mind and what I believe in that she should block me. I had no ill will against her. I wasn't really even that mad. I basicly told her I didn't want to argue my point because I didn't want to offend someone and I was in a bad mood. I didn't think she would get a pissy and block me. I really like MOST of what she posted on Tumblr, and she is a very judgemental opinionated person, just liek me, so I thought she of all the people I talk to online would be understanding. Nope. She threw a fit and fucking blocked me. How fucking mature.

Also... phantoms have been haunting my dreams AND my waking thoughts. Get them gone. Seriously, I don't want them anymore. The faces, the blog posts, the lies and the back stabbing... There is a damned good reason I don't have a lot of friends anymore... and it seems to haunt me ALL THE TIME.

At least I get 3 nights with my amazing boyfriend, kid free. And my kid gets to spend some time with people he adores. It's a win-win situation for everyone this weekend. I hope everyone else is going to have some fun too ^.^

Also: Keep YOUR opinions about pansexuality the fuck off MY LJ blog. I will delete ALL comments made about it. That is certianly not a conversation I want to have, with anyone.


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